Crashed Pips

by Jonathan Rothwell

Computers   —   politics   —   emetic trash

Crashed Pips

Metro: Yesterday’s news, today 

January 19th, 2010 · News & Politics

Every morning, five days a week, I am faced with a somewhat agonising decision. Each day, as I pass through Ash Vale Station, with at most two minutes to change to the stopping service to London Waterloo via Woking, I must decide whether or not it’s worth picking up a copy of Metro.

There are several factors I must take into account: what’s on the front cover? Does it pique my interest? Do I have room in my bag, amongst the textbooks, stationery and other trappings of a college student, to carry a freesheet? Is it a slow news day? Is the train departing in ten seconds and counting?

Most of the time, the answer is sort-of, yes, no and no-but-with-no-time-for-complacency-quick-grab-it-now-and-dash-up-the-stairs-to-Platform-1. For all its faults, Metro is a decent paper: it usually regurgitates some semblance of facts without trying to slip in political propaganda, and provides a reasonably broad range of stuff to read through or skip over as you please. And it’s free, so you can’t really complain.

That said, there is one major flaw: the news is always at least one day late. Most of the time, this isn’t too bad, although we’ve had incidents in the past (such as the Balloon Boy situation) where the article was written before the story’s climax (or deus ex machina, in this case.) The commuters of Britain knew Falcon Heene was safe and well (and probably used by his parents as an attention-whoring pawn) as Metro screamed about the fear for the little boy’s life.

Today, though, this lateness played an altogether more beak role. While eating breakfast this morning, I was idly listening to the radio, registering in passing the sad news of the death of charity microlight pilot, Martin Bromage, whose body was later recovered off the French coast.

It is, of course, a tragic case that Mr. Bromage’s attempt (and life) were cut so short, so early in the voyage – and it is perhaps doubly cruel that he was raising money for Help for Heroes in the process. However, after flinging myself out of the front door, hopping on the bus, waiting for half an hour for the first train and rushing through Ash Vale Station’s subway, I couldn’t help but note some grim, ironic humour in this item which greeted me as I opened my hastily-grabbed copy of Metro to page 20:

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

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Pat Robertson: deranged, yet somehow still getting paid 

January 13th, 2010 · News & Politics

It seems Pat “Dunderhead” Robertson has finally lost his mind completely.

Seemingly discontent with claiming Doomsday in would happen at the end of 1982 (which it didn’t), that Scotland is a “dark land overrun by homosexuals” (which it isn’t), that Hinduism is “demonic” (which it isn’t), that there would be a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest in 2006 (which there wasn’t) and that there would be mass killings, probably nuclear, in the USA 2007 (which there weren’t), Robertson has now made this address on his television programme, in which he announces the cause of the recent earthquake in Haiti:

You know, Christy, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. Ahhh…you know, Napoleon the Third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said we will serve you if you get us free from the French. True Story. And so the Devil said “Okay, it’s a deal.” and…uh…they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other. Desperately poor. That island of Hispaniola is one island. It’s cut down the middle, on one side is Haiti, on the other side is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. Um, they need to have, and we need to pray for them, a great turning to God. And out of this tragedy, I’m optimistic, something good may come.

Watch it here if you like (nofollow has been vigorously applied)—it’s about the six-minute mark, and every bit as putrid as it sounds.

I strongly suggest donating to the British Red Cross’s emergency appeal: every penny counts, and Haiti needs our help and attention right now more than this nincompoop deserves in a lifetime.

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Film review: Serenity (2005) 

December 30th, 2009 · Film, Reviews

The next stop will be Sharkjump Central. Please mind the gap.

The next stop will be Sharkjump Central. Please mind the gap.

(cross-posted from here)

Serenity is, perhaps, one of the most bizarrely-birthed movies of recent years. Based on the TV show Firefly, created by Joss Whedon (of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dollhouse fame) it joins the elite club, also occupied by Star Trek: The Motion Picture, of movies spawned from cancelled TV series.

Firefly, ostensibly, is a “space western”. The clash of genres sounds bizarre here, but trust me: it works superbly. Nathan Fillion (an actor no-one in the UK has ever heard of, unfortunately, seeing as he’s arguably a better actor than Milo Ventipuckermouth off Heroes and his face looks less like a rat’s arse) stars as Captain Malcolm Reynolds of the spaceship Serenity, an ageing, cramped rustbucket that’s like the twenty-sixth century equivalent of a Victoria line Tube carriage.

(Warning: spoilers follow.)

Read on →

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